Fear
Topic: serious thinking...
So my brain has been tick-tick-ticking away over the past few days. It appears I have ‘issues’. Maybe writing about them will help, maybe not. So in no particular order:

Why would I want to lose weight when I am relatively happy the way I am? I am and I’m not. I would be happier if I was more toned and less fat. The actual scale weight doesn’t bother me, but blubbery flesh does. Now there are a couple of problems with this. Firstly, this to me screams of vanity. Vanity is not a trait which I value in others, never mind myself. I was very much brought up to value brains and morals over looks. So this sits very skewed with my personal beliefs. Now, what can I do to make myself value vanity? Or should I? This is very confusing.

Secondly, FEAR. This is a biggie. I may have mentioned before that I am a perfectionist, but even more than this I like to criticize. I am my own worst critic and the current topic of choice is being fatter than I want to be. If I lose the fat, what can I criticize myself for then? Even as I write this is seems bonkers. I am a loon.

Thirdly, health. Now this is a danger area for me. Due to being blessed with crap genetics I have a high likelihood of contracting either or both of heart disease and breast cancer in the next 50 years. Woo hoo. Lucky me. This I am quite annoyed about, and seem to be struggling with. I KNOW if I lose some weight my risks are slightly reduced, but if I am only going to get something nasty anyway, what is the point? More of a loon than I thought…

Fourthly, is what I was mentioning before and Cathy has kinda confirmed. Successful business women aren’t fat. If I’m fat, it gives me an excuse as to why my life isn’t going to plan. (I still haven’t got the new job offer and my current one is getting less and less inspiring).

Reading this back, it all stacks up to some really crap excuses. Being fat appears to be quite comforting to me. It’s not the food or the lazing on the sofa (I would actually prefer to be fit than lazy, and as I keep saying I know how to eat without depriving myself), it’s the actual blubber which is shielding me from confronting stuff I don’t want to? If I sort out the fat, then I will have no excuse but to sort out any other crap. Ooooo. I think this might be a lightbulb moment. It all boils down to fear, doesn’t it? Feel the fear and do it anyway…