Beanz's Flapjacks
Topic: Recipes
I have nicked this recipe off Beanz who I 'know' off some WW and running sites. I've run it through WLR for the calorie count - looks scrummy. I have replaced the margarine with butter - decadent, but I couldn't resist. It's not particularly healthy, but I am looking for a recipe I can adapt and it looks a good starting point.

Oat & Sultana flapjacks
250g butter
250 g soft brown sugar (or demerara)
150 g syrup
400 g rolled oats
100 g SR flour
2 tsp baking powder
100 g sultanas
50g sunflower seeds
75 ml orange juice

Melt margarine with sugar and syrup in a pan or in the microwave oven.
Mix in dry ingredients.
Stir in orange juice.

Spread mixture between 2 lined baking tins (10” x 7” x 2”), pressing down slightly.

Bake at 180?C for 20 -30 minutes until lightly golden.
Allow to cool in tin before taking out an cutting into portions.

Each tin makes about 20 pieces.

per serving:
Calories (kcal) 140.8
Protein (g) 1.8
Carbohydrate (g) 18.9
Fat (g) 6.5
Fibre (g) 0.6

Digital love
Topic: Playlist
I love my Zen and now I can rip all the new cd's I have had in the past couple of months and add them in. Hurrah! 30GB of digital joy.

This is my mellow playlist for tinkering about on the computer:

Save Me - Aimee Mann
Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung
Black Metallic - Catherine Wheel
Yellow - Coldplay
Take my hand - Dido
Just the Way I'm Feeling - Feeder
So Long, Marianne - Leonard Cohen
Still - Macy Gray
Polly - Nirvana
Wonderwall - Oasis
Higher than the sun - Primal Scream
There There - Radiohead
New York - Richard Ashcroft
Birthday - Sugarcubes
For what its worth - The Cardigans
Linger - The Cranberries

Stick it on shuffle and hum along...

New computer
Still finding my way around it and installing all my data and software, but it's pretty cool and super fast. But the absolute best bit is the card reader. I can take photos on my phone, take out the memory card, stick it into the SD card adapter and plug straight in. Or take the memory card straight out of the Olympus camera and plug straight in. Don't belive me? Here is a photo of my new specs taken not 2 minutes ago:

and a photo off my phone (from the great black suit hunt of 2005):

I'm sooo impressed! Not with the suit, which I did not buy - far too tight around the hips.

new computer
It's here ! a couple of glitches so I am writing this on the PDA as I can't connect to the lnternet. the sound card is awe some and I managed to get the zen connected. yay.

Topic: Recently, I is mostly...
...Reading



I'm loving this book, despite the numerous references to champagne. The author has built her career on champagne! The ideas are very simple and suit my way of eating almost exactly. I haven't tried any of the recipes yet, but I can see myself eating like this for the rest of my life. Quality over quantity - why settle for anything less?

...Watching



Oh I do like a good piece of trash to watch before I flop into bed. And the murder mystery is holding my attention (even though it has been dragged out so long, you forget sometimes it's there). But they are all far too skinny, even Lynette who looks the most healthy could do with adding a few pounds.

...Listening



The Beatles 'please please me' was the first cassette my dad gave me when I got a tape player for Xmas when I was about 9 years old. I've recently rediscovered it and it is pure pop heaven. Can't wait to get the new 'puter (coming today) so I get music back on the Zen...

...Eating

Laughing Cow Extra Light cheese spread.
per 18g portion
Calories 20.0 kcal
Carbohydrate 1.3 g
Protein 2.5 g
Fat 0.5 g

Which would be great if it actually tasted like cheese. It doesn't. Very plastic tasting. Oh well, you got to try these things.

...Drinking

water, water and more water. Very dull

...Doing

economics. boring. waiting for my computer to arrive. frustrating.

...Wearing

My new Prada glasses. I must take a photo and post. They are lush.

Core Values
Topic: serious thinking...
What is it with all this thinking I’ve been doing lately? Spring cleaning for the mind or something.

Anyway, I have been doing yet more thinking and a bit of reading.

Firstly, I started reading Jon Benson’s Fit Over forty on the train journey back from London today. I got as far as the nutrition section, but he uses the same approach as Tom Venuto in Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle, and starts with the MIND. This reminded me that I had in fact written down some goals last summer. And here they are:

Long term goal
I am 9st 9lbs and a size 12 with a flat stomach and a healthy body fat percentage
3 month goal
I am losing body fat every day and fit into my jeans comfortably
Weekly goal
I am losing weight every week at weigh-in
Daily goal
I am a morning person and wake up refreshed and ready to exercise

I strive to constantly improve my body and optimise my genetic potential.

Wow. Very positive, very focused. And I haven’t done them. Ooops. According to Jon I have gone wrong in a couple of ways. Firstly, the use of ‘negative’ language such as ‘losing’ and ‘fat’. He would prefer to use terms such as ‘freeing’. He also has a point about phonics. ‘Weight’ sounds like ‘wait’ – no wonder I have been procrastinating. Also, I have said where I want to get to, but not how I am going to get there.

And the whole notion of procrastinating led me on to another lightbulb moment. I am doing exactly what annoys me in other people. When folk at work procrastinate it really annoys me. ‘Why can’t they stop talking about it and just do it’, I moan. My other pet peeve is ‘Stop saying what you want and tell me how you’re going to do it’. Looky here girl, you’ve been doing the exact same thing for the past 2 years. Wake up! That was a little scary. Maybe my peeves have been borne out of a strange sub-concious expression of what is annoying me about me?

Another thing that rang true for me is the perfection versus excellence thing. You are never going to be perfect, but you can strive for excellence. There is no point waiting to make a move until you have total knowledge and enlightenment either. The journey itself is a learning experience, so start it as soon as you can and learn along the way.

So I kept reading and Jon started delving into the Core concept. If you have any interest to the psychology of weight loss, in particular NLP methods, this is a really good read. It has made me re-evaluate my reasoning in my last post.

If I look at my excuses in terms of my Core values, it makes a lot more sense. I don’t like the idea of vanity being a reason to lose weight – it doesn’t sit well with my core values. But one of the things I value most is FREEDOM. If I am slimmer and lean, I will have the freedom to wear what I want. This is a much better reason to me than to ‘look good’. Looking good isn’t something that will particularly make me happy, but the freedom to be able to glam up and feel damn sexy wearing whatever I choose is somehow more appealing. Does this make sense?

I’ve partly covered the perfectionist thing above. I value EXCELLENCE in all things. I like good food, good wine, well made clothes, a good book, architecture, beauty. Life’s too short for putting up with shoddy. I like that thought. :o)

The health one is a no-brainer. Of course I value HEALTH. As someone who has experienced a fair dose of poor health, when I feel good, it feels REALLY good. Why on earth would I not want to feel this good all the time. And if I ‘optimise my genetic potential’, if anything nasty does happen, then at least I’ll be in the best possible position to tackle it. (No holes in baskets, Kyra!)

And this leads me on to my driving need for success. What is success? It is purely a measure of something. For me, it is generally a feeling of knowing I have done something useful with my time and effort. The satisfaction of knowing I have contributed to the greater good. And if I can do it in business, I can mirror this in my body and just how good will I feel then?

Now I have got all that off my chest, I feel a bit more happy with the ‘Why’ I want to budge this lard. And in the spirit of Jon and Tom’s goal setting tips, I shall re-word the originals from above:

Long term goal
I am 9st 9lbs and a size 12 with a flat stomach, a healthy body composition and excellent health
3 month goal
I fit into my Chili Pepper jeans comfortably and feel alert and active
Weekly goal
I am succeeding every week at weigh-in by maintaining a daily calorie deficit through nutrition and movement
Daily goal
I am a morning person and wake up refreshed and ready to exercise

I strive to constantly improve my body and optimise my genetic potential.

This may need further tweaking, but it is a pretty good target for the rest of my journey. I still can’t manage the morning thing, but I’ll hang on to it for the time being.

And can I point out that I am quite encouraged. Yes, I have procrastinated a lot over the past few years, but at least I have learned a lot. And I haven’t given up. Like Eddison, I now know a thousand ways of how NOT to lose weight (make a lightbulb).

He he he. I’ve ended on another lightbulb momement…

Fear
Topic: serious thinking...
So my brain has been tick-tick-ticking away over the past few days. It appears I have ‘issues’. Maybe writing about them will help, maybe not. So in no particular order:

Why would I want to lose weight when I am relatively happy the way I am? I am and I’m not. I would be happier if I was more toned and less fat. The actual scale weight doesn’t bother me, but blubbery flesh does. Now there are a couple of problems with this. Firstly, this to me screams of vanity. Vanity is not a trait which I value in others, never mind myself. I was very much brought up to value brains and morals over looks. So this sits very skewed with my personal beliefs. Now, what can I do to make myself value vanity? Or should I? This is very confusing.

Secondly, FEAR. This is a biggie. I may have mentioned before that I am a perfectionist, but even more than this I like to criticize. I am my own worst critic and the current topic of choice is being fatter than I want to be. If I lose the fat, what can I criticize myself for then? Even as I write this is seems bonkers. I am a loon.

Thirdly, health. Now this is a danger area for me. Due to being blessed with crap genetics I have a high likelihood of contracting either or both of heart disease and breast cancer in the next 50 years. Woo hoo. Lucky me. This I am quite annoyed about, and seem to be struggling with. I KNOW if I lose some weight my risks are slightly reduced, but if I am only going to get something nasty anyway, what is the point? More of a loon than I thought…

Fourthly, is what I was mentioning before and Cathy has kinda confirmed. Successful business women aren’t fat. If I’m fat, it gives me an excuse as to why my life isn’t going to plan. (I still haven’t got the new job offer and my current one is getting less and less inspiring).

Reading this back, it all stacks up to some really crap excuses. Being fat appears to be quite comforting to me. It’s not the food or the lazing on the sofa (I would actually prefer to be fit than lazy, and as I keep saying I know how to eat without depriving myself), it’s the actual blubber which is shielding me from confronting stuff I don’t want to? If I sort out the fat, then I will have no excuse but to sort out any other crap. Ooooo. I think this might be a lightbulb moment. It all boils down to fear, doesn’t it? Feel the fear and do it anyway…

Look at my wee house!
Tidying up the old pc in anticipation of the new one, I came across photos of old house. I moved in the day before 11 September, so my memories of moving in is me sitting watching the tv with hundreds of boxes around me, and the radio not having any talk between the records. All I could think was that I had just taken out a mortgage and now the world war III was going to break out. It didn't, and I eventually sold up and moved in with Mr LMG.

This photo is what it looked like when I moved. Look at the hideous pine ceiling and wall cladding (which I have started to rip off one of the walls). And the gross wallpaper. The room was open plan kitchen and living room, and the pine kitchen appeared to have taken over the entire house. The faux velvet maroon curtains just set the whole thing off I think.

And this is what I did to it. Slightly more calming I think. The cube next to the sofa is actually a brown fur covered cube of foam, which I made myself. I still have it, and the stitching has stayed together. I am stupidly proud of my cube. And it is great for stabilising your core muscles, as it looks like you can sit on it, but the foam makes it really unstable. he he he. Have caught a few folk out with that one.

And this last one is my final crafty item. The stairwell had this huge wall which was really bare (after I painted it baby pink - bizarrely it worked) so I bought some wood, hammered together a frame and then bought this fabulous fabric from the market. I stapled it onto the wood and then hung it. I left it in the house when I moved, as it wasn't really portable nor did it match Mr LMG's decor. Another thing I was stupidly happy with...

look - no ads! I've upgraded Tripod to see if I can live with it a bit better without the ads and with the traffic log. But I SO want a lovely new blog like what Meeshmellow has...

A serious post on motivation...
Topic: serious thinking...
So I have been reading a lot of blogs recently. I have also been drinking a lot of wine recently. And eating a lot of food. Not so much with the healthy eating and the fitness. At all. And the reading of the blogs is a two-fold thing. On the one hand, at least there is someone else out there is taking the whole thing seriously and on the other hand I feel incredibly guilty for NOT doing anything. Not that this blog is purely weightloss but most of my reads are. This is how I know I want to lose weight.

I mean, this is an interesting question. How do I KNOW I want to lose weight? My doctor isn’t worried about my weight – my BMI is 26. Higher than the acceptable but lower than the average (scary thought in itself). Mr LMG says he likes me the way I am, indeed I’ve been pretty much this size the whole time he’s known me. I can fit into size 14 (GB) clothes, so I have a good choice of stuff to wear in the shops. I am a fairly happy person. But it comes down to my IMPOSSIBLY high standards. Colleagues have mentioned this. I expect too much and am constantly disappointed. Simple things, like grammar, spelling and formatting from secretarial staff. Is this too much to expect? I don’t think so, and to be perfectly honest I have lowered my expectations of others from what I expect of myself. From myself, I expect the absolute best. My MBA has been such a learning experience. For the first time, I am no longer in the top of the class bracket – but in the average bracket. Arghhh! I am successful at work, I am successful with personal relationships (as much as an INTP ever will be! Thanks Meyer Briggs for enlightening me to that one), so why can’t I be successful within my own skin?

Question is, is this enough of a motivation to lose weight? Obviously not or else I would have done it by now. I know enough information now to be able to lose the 10-15 kilos I want to in less than 6 months. Without starving, without too much of a time commitment, without driving the people around me insane. I have all the tools, I just don’t seem to get my brain to agree with my motivation? My brain (I don’t know enough about psychology to name this entity – probably an id or ego or something) thinks that to work this hard to get what I think I want just doesn’t compute. Do I make sense? The rewards versus the work don’t stack up in my brain. My brain likes instant gratification (I think due to serious illness 10 years ago) my brain very much wants to live for the day, as I might not be here tomorrow. Somehow, my brain doesn’t want to agree with me when I try telling it that if I manage to lose the 10 kilos, I will have a better chance of still being here tomorrow? It’s not as if I can’t see afuture working out and eating well. I actually like exercise when I get round to doing it. And I LOVE food. I know enough about nutrition and cooking to never have to eat a dull, bland, tasteless meal again.

Weirdly, I don’t have this attitude elsewhere in my life. I am starting to think about long term investments, pensions and I have all my debt paid off. This isn’t consistent, is it? My career is plotted out for at least the next 10 years and I have very serious long term goals.

I am at a loss as to why I can’t just get off my arse and do what I know needs doing? I always remember reading an interview with Nadia Sawalha, when she played Annie Palmer in Eastenders. She said something about the one thing she regretted was being overweight at the time, as the character she played would never have let herself be that way. In a way I feel like that. I was 62kg for years and now I am 72kg. I know I can be at least 62kg again, but I just can’t seem to summon up the right motivation to get there? If anyone can recommend a good psychology book which pins this one down, I’d be super excited!